I don't know when my discontent began - perhaps when my mother's health began to fade, when my daughter was diagnosed with a debilitating illness, or perhaps when my grandson sustained a horrendous injury that left him with a lifetime struggle. It could have started when my own health closed doors to me. I only know that I am feeling burdened and weary. And in the midst of battle I've struggled with two questions. "Where do I belong? What should I be doing?"
I miss the days when family and church were my first callings. The closeness with my husband and children and the people in my church were treasures to me. Each day was an adventure. I would drop my children at school and set off for Bible study, prayer fellowship, discipleship meetings. My husband and I taught adult Sunday School classes and led small groups. We were in the middle of what was happening - loving on people and being loved in return.
It's not like that these days. I feel as if I've been sidelined. And I sorrow over the loss. I want to engage more. But how? I confess that as I watch friends jump into activities I feel like there is a hole in my life.
This morning while reading from a devotional these words leaped from the page. "Whenever we are obstinate and self-willed and set on our own ambitions we are hurting Jesus. Is that what I've been doing? So many years ago, the Lord's call seemed clear when he led me into writing. And I have loved it. But these days the desire for more meaningful connection has become my call.
I ask - How can I feel sidelined when there are so many who need prayer or a friend (even if that friendship is online). My family needs me. I am not physically strong but I can give in so many other ways. When my mother looks at me for the thousandth time and tells me how much she loves me and she doesn't know how she would make it without me, how can I feel sidelined? And when I hear from readers who have found comfort, joy and encouragement from something I've written, how can I feel sidelined?
It's true, my life is different than it once was. The days of my past were joyous and challenging. But that does not mean that the ones I am presently living aren't just as precious. The trouble is that I've not embraced them.
Why not?
Can it be because I had a plan, which is not God's plan?
In the devotional I felt the spirit speak when the writer quoted this scripture (Matthew 11:29). "Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." The writer went on to say, "All I do should be based on perfect oneness with Him, not on self-willed determination to be godly."
Oneness with Him. That is where we all must begin ... with Him.
If I am on my knees before The King, seeking only Him, I will have peace. Belonging to Him is enough. Being one with Him means possessing faith that right where I am is right where I belong.
Truth offers peace and joy. And I will embrace it.
Grace and peace to you from God,
Bonnie
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